….I’m starting to have that strange feeling wherein I’m feeling everything that everybody has been feeling for me. It all starts to make sense why incessantly everyone has been trying to dry those tears that are really not there. I am trying to put up a good fight, not with anyone else but actually with just myself. I refuse to let anyone see me weak. I refuse to admit that someone can make me weak.
I had fun seeing everyone cry and getting drunk while telling me how much they love me and how much they feel what I’ve been feeling, what I’ve been concealing. I stood sober, strong and happy in the midst of the fun but I couldn’t put myself together seeing all of it from them. That’s just something I can never do. I just laugh out the pain and pretend nothing this great has hit me, has broken my heart and has left me unsure of what to do. I’m too liberated for tears and too hurt to even say I’m not ok. BUT I WILL BE OK.
I miss him. Much worse, I miss myself being around him. I can make up words that’s too cliche and just laugh my heart out. I miss his smile and how he puts a smile on me effortlessly. I miss waiting for him to miss me. I miss him. I MISS HIM. I miss US. It’s starting to fade away but in a good way. Silently, I need to let go.
I did say I’ll be fine the day after tomorrow, right? Well, it’s still tomorrow. The day after it will come soon. Probably later than I ever thought it would. That’s the difference between letting go of someone and letting go of someone you just really love so much. In this depth of emotion, I yielded to what I used to despise. But no, I couldn’t feel a tinge of regret. I did what I had to do. I just allowed myself to love not really expecting much love in return.
I finally proved to myself that I can stay and give all in. Just like in poker, I lose every time I do. Yet, Buy-ins are just brilliant. Redemption for the loss, try-agains are limitless.
I am hungry. Half-past 2 in the morning. Unfinished notes and readings. No tears about to fall despite getting too sentimental. I guess I’m not ready to pour it out yet. I want to cry hard enough to finally let it go. Maybe not now, the day after tomorrow perhaps? He would be worth the tears because it has been 5 days and my eyes are still dry. This is gonna be epic. I need those tears and get “moving-on” started.
NOTE TO SELF:
one cup of brewed coffee a day. At 2 cups, my heart begins to pump real fast. My heart might want to get suicidal with the work it’s been put in. It’s still broken so it might not function well. ONE CUP.